Schema
Our schema are inherent thoughts/beliefs/concepts we subscribe to, often subconsciously, which influence how we categorize and organize information we receive, particularly in the concept of interpreting situations and relationships. Schema heavily impacts how we make judgements, even before we've received all the information we need about a situation. To illustrate, I've provided two examples. In these examples, think of the music as your schema:
Recognizing Controlling/Manipulative Behaviors
Maladaptive/controlling behaviors within our troubled relationships can easily go unnoticed despite the damage they cause.
Because of the ambiguity which commonly surrounds them, we can often convince ourselves we’re not reading the situation correctly or that we’re not actually seeing what we think we’re seeing. This also leaves the door open for others to gaslight us into feeling “crazy” or as though we’re“overreacting”. Your cousin said “it’s fine” you didn’t bring them a commemorative snow globe from your vacation “like you would for someone you cared about and wanted to make happy”, so why do you suddenly feel so guilty? Because it actually wasn’t “fine” with them and they’re working to manipulate you to into feeling you should make up for it, that’s why. Here are some additional tactics to look out for:
1. Moodiness
Displaying behaviors meant to communicate dissatisfaction without acknowledging the feeling directly or making a genuine attempt to mask it until it can be appropriately addressed
Julia: “We should throw a surprise party for Robert on Friday. It’s his 40th and I think it would really help lift his spirits after last year.”
Stephen: “There’s a film coming out on Friday that I’ve been wanting to see.”
Julia: “Ok, well how about we see the movie early and plan the party for later in the evening?”
Stephen: “You know I like to go to the theater at night…and you know how important this is for me that we see it together.”
Julia: “Sure, but we can do both things if we can just see it a little earlier, maybe at a time when it’s just getting dark when we’re coming out of it?”
Stephen: “You know, I think Robert probably doesn’t like surprises, so it might be a bad idea. And anyway, you probably won’t be able to get many people together for it on such short notice, and how embarrassing would it be to only have two people there for a ‘party’?”
2. Jealousy
Behaviors based on a sexual/romantic insecurity and fear the other person will choose or prefer someone else in this way over you
Syed: “I was going to invite that guy Jon to join our group for trivia on Wednesday. He recently broke up with his partner and I think he’s been feeling lonely.”
Brian: “He was totally flirting with you when we ran into him last week. He knows we’re together; I thought that was really messed up.”
Syed: “We barely spoke before you rushed us out the door. And anyway, he was asking us about Deandre. I think he’s into him.”
Brian: “It sounds like including him and making him feel accepted is more important to you than me feeling comfortable. I think we should skip trivia and spend some quality time alone at home together.”
3. Being “Short-Tempered”
Abrupt outbursts in response to another person disagreeing with you or not complying with what you want
Sarah: “I’m late for my appointment so I have to run, but I promise I will finish my part of the guest list as soon as I get back.”
Justin: “I can’t believe you! You always put your own needs before the relationship! I told you I wanted to finish this up before noon so I could get the invitations out in the mail today, but you procrastinated and now you’ve run out of time! I always have to be the one to shoulder the responsibilities for anything we need to get done!”
Sarah: “That’s unfair. And I think your push to get these out today is unreasonable – the dinner isn’t for 2 months. This can wait until I get back in an hour.”
Justin: “You’re so incredibly selfish! I don’t even know why I put up with this! I won’t be here when you get back, I’m going out!”
4. Demeaning and Hyper-Criticism of others
Patronizing/overtly critical/reductive language toward others based on one’s own insecurity in an attempt to communicate superiority/dominance over others
Pat: “Did you hear the report they presented in the meeting? Tell me you’re an amateur without telling me you’re an amateur, right? A four year old could have made more interesting points.”
Mykel: “I actually thought they did a pretty good job. They brought up some issues I hadn’t even considered to be important before now.”
Pat: “Well, that’s probably because you haven’t had very much experience in this job and didn’t go to school for it. When you’ve got a degree and you’ve been in this field as long as I have, you know how to look beyond the ridiculously obvious and focus on what the problems actually are.”
5. Not Accepting “No” for an Answer
Continual insistence and refusal to consider an alternate perspective in order to wear others down and/or cause them to feel guilty or self-conscious in order to achieve a desired result
Dane: “Let’s get dinner Thursday night.”
Jin: “I can’t Thursday, I made plans with my sister that night. How about Wednesday or Friday?”
Dane: “You hang out with your sister all the time, just reschedule.”
Jin: “It’s her birthday and she wanted to go to a show that night. Let’s do it another night.”
Dane: “You’ve got to be kidding me. Didn’t you tell me just last week your sister was pathetic? And that she still hasn’t paid you back for all that money you lent her? With resolve like yours, what incentive does she have? I’ll make us a reservation for Thursday, so just tell her you can see her another night.”
Jin: “It’s her birthday. This is my present to her.”
Dane: “Whatever, I think she owes you enough to cover birthdays for years to come. Anyway, how much is she really going to enjoy hanging out with a brother who doesn’t respect her? You know she knows how you feel about her.”
Jin: “That’s not fair.”
Dane: “What’s not fair is you continuing to pay for her irresponsible lifestyle. What’s also not fair is you blowing me off after everything I’ve done for you in the past few years. How many times have I gone out of my way for you? And you can’t do that for me one time? Not cool. I’ll make the reservation, just give me some restaurant ideas.”
6. Disregarding/Devaluing the Preferences/Needs of Others
Using language and/or behaviors to circumvent others’ agency and casually normalizing these actions to discourage resistance
Regina: “Hey, I got us a room at the hotel where everyone is staying for my class reunion from Thursday to Sunday.”
Almasi: “What? I can’t do that, I have to work Friday and Saturday. Why didn’t you talk to me about this before making reservations?”
Regina: “Ok, no big deal, just get someone to cover your patients or have them rescheduled. This is my 10 year reunion, it’s not like we can go next year.”
Almasi: “I can’t get them rescheduled with such short notice! And I wouldn’t feel right asking someone to do my work, even if I could get someone to agree, which I probably can’t. This was really inconsiderate of you.”
Regina: “Relax. Just tell them you’re going to support your wife at this once-in-a-decade event. They’ll understand, everybody knows these things are a big deal. I can’t believe you’re getting so worked up about this. Anyway, you said you wanted to meet my high school friends, and this may be your only chance. I can’t wait for you to meet Big Ang - I haven’t seen her in years!”
Problem-Solving Vs. Listening
Before coming up with a directive to give a friend disclosing a problem, consider they may not be asking for a solution. When someone confides in you, they’ve likely already been agonizing over the situation in their head. Responding with a quick solution may communicate you feel they’re overlooking the obvious and may ultimately dismiss their distress. We all need validation at times, and often venting to those we trust is a way of confirming we have the right to feel the way we do about conflict.
Imagine an Olympic competition in which there are no award ceremonies or interviews, and instead each winning athlete is mailed a medal accompanied by a note stating “you know, next time if you want one of these, buy one from us instead of putting in all of that work ”.
You can’t lose by acknowledging someone’s experience, and if you’d like to be part of the solution, ask before you offer.
Intonation Matters
If you’re finding conversations with your partner are resulting in erroneous assumption and upsetting misunderstanding, consider your delivery tone, and specifically, how you are ending your sentences.
Look at the end of a sentence as a representation of the real emotion/intention behind what you’re saying. What is said can be completely undermined by how it’s said. This is especially important when making a statement. A High Rising Intonation (HRI, also called upspeak/uptalk) will add a sense of anxiety/tension, or can unintentionally turn a statement about yourself into an accusation of someone else. Consider these examples:
Turn the knob (video: Peep Show, Channel 4)
Jeremy’s HRI converts this suggestion into an accusation, implying: “obviously, just turn the knob, moron” (though in this case, he does actually intend it that way). This will likely turn an already tense situation into an already-tense-situation-plus-conflict. And in interactions where teamwork is important, this communication will not foster collaboration.
Don't sweat it, dude (video: Peep Show, Channel 4)
Jeremy uses a falling intonation in this case to help settle Mark’s panic. A falling intonation communicates a feeling of confidence and acceptance in what you’re saying. And though your message may be ultimately negative, that confidence (or resignation?) at least works to prevent the perpetuation of tension or conflict.
These same methods are used in music to convey/cultivate emotion. Referred to as dissonance and consonance, the intonations are effective in manipulating the audience into feeling what the creator intends. The soundtrack to Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960) illustrates this point well.
